I have been joking around with my friends and family about this for months. I have been talking about these next few weeks which are quickly approaching for my girls and I. The thing is – I don’t think I believed that this time would ever really arrive – but now it’s just about here – and it’s not so funny anymore.
For the months (even years) after Howie passed away, I would wake up with my heart racing. I did not know what each day would bring, but whatever it was scared me. That has not happened for a year or so. My life had finally settled and quieted down. It is so nice to be in a good place and not stress about anything too major.
Don’t get me wrong – nothing horrible is happening now. Life is what’s happening, and with life comes change. Change can be good, but change can also be stressful, especially for my girls and I. We had one very huge change almost six years ago, and it was the worst one imaginable. It is hard to see change as simple for all of us.
Two things are about to happen.
The first is that Lily is about to come home from her very last year at her beloved sleep-away camp. This might sound silly to some – but I am actually scared. She has been so lucky to go to the place that she loves for seven weeks every summer for eight years. Camp is truly her second home, and the friends she has made there are her second family. These summers have helped her deal with her loss, as well as maturing into the wonderful person she is becoming. It has been her “escape” from the stresses of her regular life. Now, at 16 years old, she has “aged-out” and will no longer be able to go back to her camp and live in a bunk with the girls that she loves.
I have been warned – by Lily as well as other parents whose children have gone through this transition. I am expecting a lot of tears, a lot of time spent in her room, and a lot of moodiness. While my mind is prepared, my heart will break a little to see her lose something so important to her. It will truly be a huge loss for her.
At the same time this is happening, Amanda is preparing to leave for her Freshman year at college. Amanda suffers from anxiety and fears change. I have written about this in relation to her going away to college in my Grown & Flown article. Leaving for college is a scary time for many kids, but for someone with anxiety it can be debilitating. Thankfully, we have known this, and have prepared her in the best way possible. I know she will do great and be just fine (even better than fine) once she makes the transition, but I know the transition will be scary for her. I have the utmost confidence in her and am so proud of how far she has come in the last few years. But I am her mother – I worry – and more so than that, I will miss her terribly. Change is hard for me also.
Lily will be home in a few short days, and Amanda will be leaving less than two weeks after that. So, their mom is stressed for them. I am now waking up with the racing heart and the nervousness all day that I haven’t felt in years. But as difficult and crazy as the last few years of my life have been, I have learned ways to cope with my own stress. I am trying my best to get through this time that I never thought would really arrive. The one thing I know is that we will all be okay.